Wednesday, August 23, 2006

National security

Am I alone in thinking that our Mounties are a tad geeky? Long ago reputed to always "get their man", when was the last time the RCMP struck the fear of God into someone. It is admittedly difficult to take a guy wearing riding culottes seriously.

As part of my visa requirement, I needed a Certificate of Good Conduct issued by the RCMP - a piece of paper stating that I was never convicted of a crime. My vices are not illegal, just amoral. I headed off to the Montreal headquarter; being as unimpressed with the task as if I were getting a licence for my dog.

While I waited for the paperwork to go through, a shifty greaser wearing a pinky ring, and an ugly shirt open just so for a medallion to nest in a tangle of chest hairs, kept trying to make eye contact. I was saved a first time from *Vladimir's awkward flirting by the agent who asked for his identity cards. I was saved a second time by the same agent who asked for his identity cards again. Moments later, two field agents - stacked, packing heat, and no riding culottes - suddenly came out from the restricted area. One agent, 6 foot 5 and shoulders the size of Rhode Island, blocked the exit. The other ordered Vladimir to follow him. The agents returned to the restricted area with Vlad in tow, the doors clanging loudly behind them. Awesome. I waited an hour for my papers. I left without ever seeing Vladimir again.

I just hope he does not turn up floating face down in the Lachine Canal. I would not be able to ID him without the ugly shirt.

*the name of the individual has been changed to protect his identity (and mine...)

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